


Alter

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky is Captain America, M/M, Steve is the winter soldier instead of Bucky, not gonna give anything else away goodbye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-10 01:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2004906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Bucky knows when to protect his friend, his best friend. Bucky just knows what is right, wrong, what should happen and what shouldn't. As they stand on the cold train, armed with their weapons, Bucky wonders if he can actually protect Steve anymore..."</p><p>or, an au where Steve is the one to fall off the train instead of Bucky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alter

**Author's Note:**

> None of this happened in the movies or the comics and whatnot, I just made this up as I went. It took a long time but I think I think this might be okay. I honestly don't know where I was going with this or what I was doing but yeah here it is!! Sorry for any errors I sort of went over it so much I got tired of looking at it but yeah woo okay bye
> 
> *special thanks to kay and chloe!!*

Bucky always knew. He always seemed to know. That's what really made Steve stick around. Bucky knew when he was sad, when he was upset, when he was happy, when he wanted or needed something; he just always seemed to know.

Bucky knew exactly what to do when they were fifteen and Steve got beat up for the first time for being a little too bold. 

"Just dust yourself off, bud." He whispered, kneeled down in front of a bloodied Steve who has collapsed down to his knees. Steve shook his head slowly, taking a few deep breaths.

"Bucky, I don't know what I was-" Bucky gripped Steve's shoulders tightly. 

"Steve, you saved that girl. Well, saved her from bein' hassled those dick heads." He says with a small smile. "Now come on. No more fights, please?" Steve looked at him, his eye already turning blue and swollen. 

"Buck..." Steve tried protesting. "I can stand up for myself, you didn't have to get in the way." Bucky just laughed and stood Steve up, dusting off his jacket.

"But I did. You probably would've gotten a few broken bones if I hadn't stepped in when I did. Let's just go home, get you cleaned up." Steve reluctantly followed Bucky home that night.

Bucky knows when to protect his friend, his best friend. Bucky just knows what is right, wrong, what should happen and what shouldn't. As they stand on the cold train, armed with their weapons, Bucky wonders if he can actually protect Steve anymore. Steve of course is twice the size he was before he left for war, and he's stronger and faster than Bucky will probably ever be. 

"Steve." He whispers, glancing up at a camera he managed to spot out of the corner of his eye. Steve looks over, not looking directly into it. He nods, then continues walking, Bucky close behind. Bucky stops to look over his shoulder, and in an instant the two are separated. Bucky doesn't know what happens next; time seemed to be moving at ultra speed. All he knows is Steve's shield is in his arms, his pistol poised in front of him. 

He shoots, shoots, shoots, but he just keeps missing, panic growing in his chest when he realizes he can't hit the bad guy and worse yet he can't find Steve. "Steve!?" He shouts, turning his head for a quick second. Before he knows it, he's being blown backwards, the shield having absorbed the blow of the shot the enemy fired. He bumps into Steve rather harshly, accidentally throwing Steve out of the train car.

Steve gasps and grips onto a steel bar barely hanging onto the torn wall. Bucky quickly (and rather weakly) tries his best at throwing the shield at the fuck head who shot him, and luckily enough he manages to get him down. He frantically turns to Steve, holding out his hand.

"Steve you can't leave me! Not after all this!" He shouts, holding out his hand. Steve reaches as far as he can, and his face drops when the bar comes loose.

"Bucky! Help!" He screams, reaching up farther. Bucky's heart is pounding in his chest as he desperately swipes at Steve's hand, trying to grab it.

"Steve, I'm sorry!" He shouts back, still trying to grab onto him. Steve makes one last weak effort to reach Bucky before the bar falls off. And in an instant, Steve is gone, lost in the harsh winter wind, his screams echoing throughout the chasm, throughout the train car, throughout Bucky. All he can do is stare down. He doesn't feel anything but a brand new emptiness inside of him and a pain he didn't know existed deep within him.

Bucky knows, and he's one-hundred percent sure, that he should've been the one to fall.

 

Bucky sits alone in the tent he was so gratefully given at the army base after returning from the train. The failed mission. The worst day of his life. He can't feel anything but pain and the nagging feeling in the back of his eyes that he should cry; he is sad isn't he? But, he refuses to do that. He can't show any weakness now. He hardly looks up when he hears a soft clicking of heels at the entrance of his tent.

"Mr. Barnes?" A soft, sweet voice calls. Bucky almost instantly recognizes it. He turns around slowly.

"Peggy." He murmurs. "Hey." He tries forcing a smile, but he can't even do that. As she walks closer, he can see her makeup is smudged and a little runny. "Have you been cr-"

"No. No I haven't, if you must know. It's raining outside." She responds quickly, pulling out a compact and taking a look at her make up. She sighs and wipes her eyes with her thumb. 

"Your hair isn't wet though." He murmurs. Peggy sighs shakily and sits across from him.

"Alright, you got me." She breathes. "How are you?" She asks hesitantly, not knowing if she should as such a question at a time like this.

Bucky shakes his head. "It should've been me. I know it." Peggy leans forward.

"James, it shouldn't have happened at all." She says sternly. "You both should be sitting here, talking and laughing and having a beer or two."

Bucky tries hard to look away from her. "Peg." He says quietly. "I-I miss him." His voice goes shaky. Peggy shakes her head.

"So do I, James. We all do. But...look. I have a really important question to ask you. I was sent specifically because you know me, and hopefully trust me."

"I do trust you." Bucky murmurs. "What uh, what is it, I kinda wanna be alone." He rubs his eyes tiredly.

Peggy sighs. "James, you know, we need a new-" before she can finish, Bucky's immediately sitting up straight.

"No. No, I can't do that. I can't." He says quickly. "I can't just take his spot."

"But James, we need him. We need a Captain America." She says quietly. She takes his hands tightly. "You were his best friend, James. He trusted you more than anyone on this planet. And he loved you. I know it's a lot to ask but-"

"Peggy, don't make me do this." He pleads, tears stinging in his eyes. "Please don't." Her hands tighten.

"Please do this. For us. For Steve." She whispers. Bucky closes his eyes tightly, his mind and heart racing at such an absurd question.

"Okay." He finally says. "What do I have to do?"

 

Bucky wakes up. Immediately, he knows something is wrong. Isn't he supposed to be dead? He stares up at a drab ceiling, a fan whirring above him. A radio drones on, but he's not really listening. Sitting up, he looks around, confused. He rubs his eyes, yawning. His head snaps up when a young woman with bright red lips walks in. Immediately he thinks of Peggy, and wonders where she is. 

He and Peggy bonded over the loss of Steve; nothing was sexual, but they did become very good friends. He wants to see her, he needs to ask her what happened. He stands up.

"Uh, what's...what's going on?" He asks cautiously, stepping towards the woman. She gives him a small smile.

"Hello, Mr. Barnes. It's nice to see you're awake. Why don't we-"

"No." He interrupts. "Who are you and where am I?" He snaps, looking around the small room some more. The woman just smiles sweetly.

"You're in a recovery room, here in New York. You don't have to worry." 

"That's bullshit." He whispers. "This is bullshit. The game, o-on the radio. Me and my best friend Steve went to that game." He feels his body begin to shake, with anger or fear, he doesn't know, but he does know he has to get out. The woman takes another step towards him.

"Mr. Barnes, just relax-"

"No!" He shouts. He shakes his head, backing away from her. He inches towards the door cautiously, keeping his eyes fixed to the red-lipped woman in front of him.

"Please, sir, just take a seat." Her voice is more stern now, and when Bucky shakes his head as he puts his hand on the doorknob, she presses a button on a headset fixed in her ear to call for backup and Bucky panics, bolting out the door.

He runs, no idea where he's going. He just has to get out, find some answers, find anyone he knows. He eventually makes his way out onto a crowded, busy street. He looks around frantically, confused at how much his city has changed. Where the hell is he? What the hell happened?

Someone grabs his shoulder, and Bucky turns around to see a man, his left eye covered by an eyepatch.

"Hello, Captain."

 

"I'm not really Captain America." Bucky explains to the quite attractive redhead sitting in front of him. "My best friend, Steve Rogers, man, he was so amazing, is the real Captain America."

The woman smiles a little. "So, so why are you Cap now?" She asks, vaguely confused. Bucky sighs shakily, looking down at the cup of coffee brought to him by the woman. 

"Steve uh, Steve died during a mission, and I was asked to take his spot. It should've been me who died, though. He was gonna do great things, ya know?" He can't contain a smile as he thinks of his friend. "I miss him. I wish he was here to see all of this."

"It would've been great to meet him, I'm sure." The woman says. Bucky nods a little. "By the way, I'm Natasha. Sorry for the sudden barrage of questions and demands, we run things pretty strictly around here. I should've introduced myself first, but oh well."

Bucky just smiles. "It's fine. So um, what am I supposed to do, now that I'm here?" Natasha sits up and smiles.

"Well, I was sent to, along with the other security questions, ask if you would join SHIELD, become one of our agents. Fight the bad guys, ya know?" Bucky blinks.

"Er, yeah, of course." He responds, slightly unsure. Natasha grins.

"Good. So, now that you've gotten introduced to the world as it is now, gotten a job, and found a friend," she gestures to herself and smiles. "I think it's time I take you home."

Bucky's mind flashes back to one night he had back in the 1940s; Steve had demanded Bucky go home after drunkenly trying to grope a girl next to him. After Bucky protested, Steve said the exact thing as Natasha, albeit with a little more force, but still. His chest begins to ache with the memory, and he blinks a few times, looking down.

"You okay?" Natasha asks. Bucky nods slowly, standing up.

"So uh, where am I staying?" He asks quietly, looking at her tiredly. "I kinda just wanna sit for a while, take this all in."

Natasha stands up, gesturing for Bucky to stand up too. "A cute little place up in Brooklyn. I got to pick it out."

As Bucky lays in his bed later that evening, covers pulled over his head, he listens to the sounds of the city outside, a city he no longer knows. He sits up, slowly pulling the blanket off his head. He peeks out the window, watching as loud cars and obnoxiously bright yellow taxies drive by. 

There's still crowds of people. It's nearly midnight, why is there so many people out? His eyes gleam with wonder as he watches people walk by, people smoking, people drinking and eating, and- his gaze falls on a couple of men holding hands, and nearly jumps out the window when they kiss. He's so amazed that nobody stopped to stare at them, call them names, anything like that.

Deep down, he's very happy it's accepted now, unlike it was back in the '40s. His heart suddenly aches when he thinks of Steve, what he and Steve could've had. Although he knows Steve never never liked him "that way", he pretends that he did and basks in the warm thought.

As he sinks back down into his bed, pulling the covers up again, he wonders what his life will be like now. He hopes it'll be better. Before he knows it, he's asleep...

"James!"

Bucky's name is shouted several times before he finally wakes up, still very tired. He looks outside to see the sun is just barely rising. He looks over at his door just in time to see Natasha burst in. 

"There you are. We gotta start training, come on."

"Training?" Bucky mumbles sleepily, rubbing his eyes and yawning. "It's too early,"

"You've been frozen for seventy years, haven't you had enough time to sleep? Now get up." She snaps, going to where his clothes lie in like on the floor. She picks them up and tosses them at him. "Oh, we should get you some new clothes too. Well, this'll do for now."

Bucky groans and picks up the clothes they gave him when he arrived at SHIELD and puts them on, not caring that Natasha is in the room. She just looks his body up and down before quickly turning out the door. She's soon followed by Bucky, who just sighs. 

"What are we training for?" He asks. Natasha shrugs as she leads him outside to her car. 

"Just training in general. Fighting skills are good to have if you go out on missions and stuff like that, which you'll be doing because you're sorta partnered up with me."

They both get in the car, Natasha in the driver's side, and Bucky in the passenger's. 

"Look, no offence, but I'd really rather take time to get adjusted to living here in this time. I'm still really confused and my head hurts." Natasha stares at Bucky, her lips pursed. 

She's silent for a moment. "Wanna get some coffee then?" She asks quietly. Bucky thinks for a moment then nods. 

"Yeah, that sounds nice actually."

Natasha smiles. "Great. So, there's this cool new place called Starbucks..."

 

Bucky's mouth is on fire. He feels like his tongue will burn off. Should he call for help- oh right, he can't. His mouth is burning.

Natasha stares at him from across the table as she watches Bucky try to down his drink in a few quick gulps, only to choke on the boiling liquid.

"Slow down, sailor. We're not in a rush." She murmurs, slowly slipping her iced coffee. Bucky coughs, fanning his mouth.

"Can I have one of those ice cubes?" He whispers, gesturing to her iced drink. His mouth would water at the sight of the frozen haven, if it weren't a thousand degrees. Natasha just laughs and pops the lid off her cup and scoops out an ice cube with her self-manicured fingers, handing it to Bucky who immediately pops it into his mouth.

She smiles as his look turns to one of relief. "Better?" She asks as she fixes the lid back on, swirling her drink. Bucky nods slowly, moving the ice cube around his mouth with his tongue, grateful for the icy cool relief. 

"Back in my day, the coffee never got this super hot. I mean, it was hot, but Jesus, this is like swallowing the Sun." He murmurs through the ice cube, his eyes full of wonder as he stares at his cup of coffee. Natasha nods and smiles, amused. 

"Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it." She says, taking one final sip of her coffee. "No that you've successfully burnt your mouth, what do you want to do next?"

Bucky pauses, thinking. After a few moments of silence, Bucky finally looks up and smiles. "Show me everything."

With granted permission, Natasha works for three months getting Bucky up to speed. 

It takes him three weeks to understand how an iPhone works, and that TVs are now in HD, that internet exists and that so does internet porn that Bucky can't stand to see; it's amazing that people could so easily expose themselves like this. She also manages to teach him how to drive a Chevy that he absolutely hates because it's stick shift, and he's never driven a stick shift and honestly what the hell is stick shift? 

He settles in easily, goes along with the crowd, stays up late watching movies that people say are legendary, browses the internet, but not at the porn...okay, maybe just a little, but still not really. He looks up what it means if you fancy boys and and girls and discovers that he's probably bisexual, a term they didn't use back in his day. He takes this into consideration. He looks at the neat new thing called iTunes, and manages to find some of his old favorite singers, and falls asleep with his laptop playing quietly.

Work at SHIELD goes well, he enjoys going on missions and helping others with work, and he loves all the new friends he's made, the people he's gotten to know, the places he's gotten to see and...he wishes Steve were there to see it all. He thinks about Steve all the time, wondering how he would react to all this, how he would change and who he would be if he were still alive. It's a daily thought.

Everything seems to be okay for him, and he's fine too, but one day, things just seem to be off.

Bucky walks into his apartment after going for a leisurely walk, grabbing some coffee, petting an old woman's dog (her name was Jean, and Bucky discovered the woman and her dog lived in the same building). Bucky also found out that this woman was his age...97. He laughed at this, although he didn't tell her he was the same age, and walked up the steps to his door. 

He closes it, locks it, sets his coffee down and stops suddenly. He hears something, something not right. What is it? He carefully walks around, not able to place the noise. He thinks it sounds like metal scraping something, the floor maybe? A wall? He walks into his room cautiously, sees odd scratches on his window, and that's when it hits him. Glass. It was metal against glass. He runs over to the window, flinging it open. He looks around, panicked. He looks to the left, and seeing nothing down the alley behind his building, looks to the right at the busy street. Glancing at a few street corners, he looks for anything suspicious. He sees a lot of people pushing each other as they walk, and he sees one particular man out of the corner of his eye. The man is just standing there, looking at something, what is he looking at? Bucky risks taking a prolonged look at the man and-

That's when he knows.

His heart stops, his mind going blank, his vision going blurry. He feels himself start to waver, his knees going weak. He can't help it as he drops to his knees, his breathing growing quick and panicked. It takes several moments for him to accept what he just saw.

Steve fucking Rogers is alive.

 

Natasha drives fast, not paying attention to the speed limit, red lights, stop signs, anything. Her heart is racing; she didn't think this would happen. Horns blare around her as she rushes to SHIELD, unable to contain her worry and panic. After arriving, she jumps out, rushing inside.

"Fury!" She shouts, hurrying to his office. She opens the door to his office to see Fury on the phone, talking quietly to someone. He glances up, holds up a finger. He says one last thing before hanging up.

"I know." Is all he says. Natasha sighs.

"We have to take care of this." She says. Fury sighs and sits at his desk.

"Ms. Romanoff, you and I both know that we can't do that. Last time you went after him you got badly injured. I don't want that happening again."

"But-"

"Don't. You're not doing anything."

"But what about Barnes? He's fully capable of-"

"Natasha, he's still so new to this world, and that thing out there has ten times the strength Barnes does. That man was Captain America. This isn't just another spy. This is a super soldier designed for one thing, and one thing only, and that is to kill whoever gets in his way. Fucked up thing is is that we're the people in the way. We can't just stop him. It's not that easy. Who knows what he could be after?"

"James can do it, Nick. We can do some more training, a-and I'll do it personally. I can help him do this. I'll work with him to figure out what the Winter Soldier is here for.." She tries persuading.

Fury just shakes his head. "Natasha, we need this soldier in our possession. Who knows what he could be after, what he's learned and what he knows? Yes, Barnes may be capable of fighting him but incapacitating him? I doubt it. If anything he'll get us killed."

"Just give him a chance. I know how important the Winter Soldier is. I'm not going to let him get away again."

Nick pauses, putting his face in his hands for a moment, thinking. Natasha stands in front of him, poised.

"Alright. Train him, and you make sure he is completely ready before going to find him, you understand?"  
Natasha nods, thanks Fury, then walks out. More than ready to start, she hurries to Bucky's apartment. Opening the door, she wonders why it's so quiet.

"James?" She calls. Listening carefully, she hears a quiet 'in here' coming from his bedroom. She goes toward the meek sound, and sees Bucky sitting on the floor. "Uh, you okay?" She asks. Bucky just shrugs.

"I don't know. I don't know what I just saw..." He murmurs, his voice trailing. "He was supposed to be dead. He's supposed to be dead right now. At the bottom of a chasm. Why is he-"

"James," she sighs, kneeling next to him. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

"Natasha, Steve is alive." He whispers, cringing away from her as she sits down.

"It's okay. It's okay, James." She murmurs as she pats his shoulder. "I...I need to tell you something, James." 

"I'm not in the mood."

"This is really important." She pleads. "Your life could be in danger. All of ours could."

"Natasha." He chokes out. "I just saw my best friend out there when I thought he was dead and I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around it so can you please just-"

"Steve is trying to kill you."

Bucky goes quiet for a moment. He looks down at the floor, closing his eyes. "Why would he be trying to kill me?" He asks.

"Because it's his job. He's a master assassin, a fucking super soldier designed to-"

"He was not designed to hurt people." Bucky snaps, angry. "Steve would never hurt anyone just to hurt them."

"James, it's what Hydra programmed him to do. He's not the Steve you knew anymore." Bucky is silent. Natasha sits beside him, waiting for him to speak. When he doesn't, she sighs. "We need to get him to SHIELD."

"Why?"

"So we don't have to worry about him anymore. He's dangerous. He could know some important things, do it's best if we..." Her voice trails off when she sees Bucky isn't really listening.

"What do I have to do?"

After light explanation and knowledge that Fury will brief him more after returning to SHIELD, he agrees and they head out. They're both unaware they're being watched...

Steve watches as Bucky and Natasha leave his apartment. He only recognizes Bucky because of what he saw at the museum. That man walking away from him is his best friend. He doesn't know who Natasha is, but he instantly doesn't like her as she clings to Bucky, pulling him to her car. 

He feels his metal hand clench into a fist, wanting to go after them. As he's about to take a step, Bucky looks over his shoulder, seemingly directly at Steve. Steve ducks his head under his hat, walking away, hoping Bucky didn't catch him. A cold shiver runs down his spine as he hears hurried footsteps picking up speed as Steve does. 

Soon, he's at a run, not knowing who's behind him, but fully and completely aware that someone is chasing him and intends to tackle him. He braces himself and halts abruptly, spinning around and clenching his cold metal hand around the throat of whoever was behind him. Blinking, jaw taught, eyes wary, he risks looking at who he grabbed. 

"Ste-" Bucky chokes, grabbing at Steve's hand. Steve freezes, unable to move, suddenly horrified. "Ste-eve!" Bucky gasps, trying desperately to breathe. Steve has no clue what to do anymore. His mind draws blank as Bucky's face earns a slightly purple hue. Steve wants to let go, but he just can't. Steve glances away from Bucky for a second to look over Steve's shoulder, and in a flash he's pinned under the lanky redhead that lead Bucky out of his apartment. Bucky falls to his knees, coughing and trying not to cry from shock as Natasha slams her forearm down on Steve's neck, keeping him pinned.

She seems to be shocked that Steve isn't fighting back, but she keeps herself firm and planted. 

"James? Are you okay?" She calls over her shoulder. Bucky coughs once more and nods.

"I-I'm fine..." He whispers. He crawls over to where Steve and Natasha sit. He sits and stares at Steve, his familiar yet foreign eyes staring into Bucky's.

"...yes, we have him. We don't need any backup, we'll be good getting him to interrogation on our own. See you then." Natasha says, closing her phone and sighing. "Can I trust you not to run if I get up?" she murmurs to Steve, who just blinks. She sighs again and looks at Bucky, who continues to look at Steve. "James, hold him." She demands as she stands, watching as Bucky takes Steve's hands and pulls him up. Steve gives a very slight nod, glances down at Bucky's hands, then away. 

"Where are we going?" He finally speaks, and Natasha turns around. 

"For now, interrogation. After that, I don't know. That'll probably be decided by Fury later on." She explains, starting to walk back toward her car. Bucky gently nudges Steve along. Steve complies, and they all make their way to SHIELD.

Steve hardly says anymore, except to request that Bucky be the one to talk to him. After consideration, Fury decides that because Bucky is somewhat of a familiar face that it would be best if he did anyways. So, he sends Bucky to interrogation, has him fitted with concealed precautionary weapons, preps a few important questions and sends him on his way.

Steve remains compliant, sitting quietly, waiting for Bucky to arrive. He looks at his hands patiently, his mind racing back to all the murders these hands have committed, the people these hands have killed and the harm these hands have caused. Somehow, though, an itch at the back of his mind takes him back to a sketchy night where he and Bucky sat huddled in a small cafe, Bucky's hand lacing his fingers with the hand that's now replaced with metal. 

Steve shakes his head frantically, having no clue where that came from. He grits his teeth, and tries to remain calm. He folds his hands under the table and tries to ignore them, hoping Bucky will walk in soon. Luckily enough, he does.

His hair is slicked back, his body tense and his stare cautious and questioning. He sits across from Bucky, gulping. 

"Steve?" He asks. It's more of a plea than a question, because he just really wants it to be Steve. Steve gives a slight nod.

"As far as I know, I'm Steve. James Buchanan Barnes, that's you, right?" His voice is quiet, a smirk forming on his lips. Bucky tries not to smile.

"Yeah, that's right. How did you..?"

"I uh, did a little of exploring on my own when I got here. When they took me out the cryogenics tube, they wiped my mind of pretty much everything I knew. I didn't know anything and was completely lost. After they sent me on several bullshit missions, after countless assassinations I had had enough. I wasn't allowed to have enough though, so I had to run. And I did. I found this place, called the Smithsonian, and uh, there was a whole exhibit dedicated to us. That's how I found out my name, and your name. That's how I found out how we used to be, how we were friends, and pretty much who you were. After I learned all this, I decided to go and find you, but I figured with my infamous reputation as the Winter Soldier, master assassin, that it wouldn't be safe to just walk up and say 'Hi, I'm done working for Hydra so how about we grab a drink?'. So I waited. I followed you around for a while, waiting until...well...I don't know. maybe I was waiting for you to look for me." Steve is finally quiet.

Bucky stares, his heart beating incredibly quickly, his mind racing with questions and thoughts and memories and he tries to wrap his head around all of this. He opens his mouth to speak, but quickly closes it. He sighs, defeated, and looks at Steve.

"The arm?" Is all he can muster. Steve just smiles.

"When I fell, it kinda destroyed this arm. It's no big deal though." He looks at Bucky. "You seem to be taking this harder than I am." 

"Yeah, you seem unnaturally calm about all of this." Bucky responds. "I'm sitting here in front the best friend I thought I had lost forever and you have a metal arm and you seem to be completely fine with all of this and you're just so calm it's unnerving so please-"

"Bucky, do you really think I'm calm right now?" Steve asks, and Bucky's heart leaps at the use of his name, hearing Steve say it again. "I'm not okay with this, at all. I don't like that we had to meet like this of all things. I don't like that I barely remember who you are and I don't like that I can't remember who I am or who I was or anything. I'm a blank slate, and I don't like that at all. I don't want to be wiped clean again, I don't want to be told who I'm going to be or who I'm against and I certainly don't want to be told that I'm just a weapon."

Bucky looks at him woefully. "Steve, they-" he closes his eyes and shakes his head, putting his face in his hands. "That isn't what they want from you. They want to put you in rehab and therapy, they want to have you on our side." Steve is silent for a minute. "They aren't going to force you or anything, but-"

"Why? They were out to get me from the beginning. Why do they want me on their side now?" He asks, confused.

"Because you were Captain America, Steve." Bucky sighs. "Who wouldn't want the ex-super soldier working for them?" 

Steve just shakes his head. "Bucky, this is-" he runs his fingers through his hair. "this is too much to ask of me right now. Can we just...get this whole interrogation thing over with? I'm tired..."

 

 

All it took was Bucky to make Steve agree. 

Steve got to stay with him, train with him, go to therapy with him as support, and Bucky even helped him with rehab. Of course, all he needed was treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder and help with learning he was no longer an assassin, but after that was done, he was only stuck with the therapy. 

Bucky was there for him through it all. Along the way, Steve felt more of his mind unlock, more of his memories, and he slowly began to learn who he was, who Bucky was. Really, that's all he wanted.

A year later, he and Bucky sit in their apartment, chatting mindlessly in front of the fireplace. 

Bucky discusses how he and Natasha have been training, and Steve brings up that he met Tony Stark recently, and Bucky laughs when he tells him Tony wanted to take his arm to inspect it. 

"It was hilarious, he seemed so amazed about it. I mean, to me it's just an arm but to him it could be anything." Steve chuckles. Bucky smiles and sips his coffee quietly. they're silent for a moment, watching the fire dance, sparks flying. Steve closes his eyes and listens as the fire cracks, and he soon finds himself thinking of the person he killed by setting their study on fire. 

His eyes fly open, and he's suddenly panicking. "Bucky." he whispers. Bucky looks over, confused.

"Are you okay, Steve? what happened?" He asks, worried, placing a hand on Steve's shoulder, gently gripping it. Steve shakes Bucky's hand off and stands up quickly, his breathing picking up. Bucky takes notice that this is probably a panic attack, and quickly reminds himself that Steve will probably have these episodes for a long time. He stands up and pulls Steve into his arms, trying to calm him down.

"Steve, calm down, it's okay." He murmurs, tightening his grip around Steve when he tries to pull away. "Steve." he tries again. Steve is shaking, guilt hitting him hard. 

"Bucky, I'm sorry." he whimpers. "I-I didn't mean t-"

"It's okay, you're okay." Bucky says, holding Steve tighter. He's relieved when Steve hugs him back, nuzzling into his chest and crying. 

"I'm so sorry." He whispers. Bucky just strokes his hair softly.

"It's okay, Steve. Don't worry. It wasn't you doing that." He says in a calm tone, sitting them down on the couch. "Remember something good, okay? Try to remember something good for me."

Steve is silent, his body shaking as he racks his brain. His mind flashes back to the evening in the cafe again, and before he knows it he finds himself reaching for Bucky's hands. Bucky is momentarily confused, but when Steve starts to calm down, he let's him. Steve holds Bucky's hands tight.

"Do you...do you ever remember a night...way back when we were, uh, younger, and-and it was raining and we were holed up in a small cafe, waiting out the rain, and we were sitting next to each other, waiting for our coffee, and you looked at me, you smiled, and you held my hand?" Steve asks. Bucky sits for a moment, shuffling through random memories and events. 

"Yeah." He finally murmurs. Steve nods and the two shift to sit more comfortably.

"I was scared of the rain, the storm. I was so prone to getting sick back then, and I just didn't want that." Steve says. Bucky nods slowly, the memory playing in his head over and over.

"I could tell you were scared so...I did what any guy would do for the person he loved. I made you feel better." His heart begins to beat quicker as Steve's hands tighten around his. "At the time, I guess I was just confused about who I was, and," Bucky takes a deep breath. "I loved you."

Steve turns to look at Bucky. "You did?" he asks, and Bucky nods. 

"At least I thought I did. All throughout the army all I wanted to do was keep you safe because I knew it was my job to protect you and to keep you happy and okay and-"

Bucky is rather abruptly cut off when Steve presses their lips together with haste, his metal hand still holding onto Bucky's. Bucky's body is more than suddenly on fire, every bit of him glowing with a warmth he wasn't sure he could ever feel. Steve, feeling the exact same, backs away, blinking, seemingly shocked at what he'd done. Bucky stares, his tongue swelling inside his mouth, making it hard for him to articulate anything to say. After a few moments of silence, Bucky finally gains the ability to speak.

"I need to keep you okay now too, so that's what I'm going to do." he whispers, looking at Steve's lips for a second. "Whatever it takes for you to be okay." his voice trails off as Steve inches closer to him.

"I guess I need you for me to be okay. I just...need my best friend. I need the man I've trusted my whole life. You've gotten me this far, you've helped me rediscover who I was and you're helping me with the PTSD and now I'm sitting here and we just kissed and, damnit, I think I like you Bucky." 

Bucky can't help but hug him tightly, holding him close. "I think I like you too." he whispers, smiling when Steve chuckles, relieved he didn't royally fuck up. "I'm gonna get you through this, no matter what." Steve nods and slowly wraps his arms around Bucky, hugging him back.

For once, Bucky doesn't know. He doesn't know if they could work as a couple, although he has little doubt they could. He doesn't know what he'll have to do for Steve, where he and Steve will go or what they'll do but he does know that whatever it is, as long as he has Steve, he'll be okay.

They'll be okay.


End file.
